What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 21.06.2025 18:21
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
But ive been too sick for many years..
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Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
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He was dying to do it , i knew.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
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19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Was to survive, this bastard.
My life is so biszare .
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But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
What causes you to be tired all the time and major headaches?
I don,t even have a pension.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
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I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
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I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
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So whats the point in blame.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
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But it wasn’t much.
I write beautiful poetry .
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
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At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
One cannot live in the past .
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BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
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You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
My mum and dad in the seventies!
It was going to be , some day.
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I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
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She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
She married twice! .
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I have no regrets .
So, i spoilt her more .
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I waited trembling.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I was seconnd youngest,
I was 9 years of age.
I was very sick at this time too.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
But, we were locked up after school.
We all went to grammer schools
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
And who doesn’t know suffering?
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I could never make a relationship work though!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I had hoped to write a book about this .
She wouldn,t have been !
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Put me off passion for life!!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Im still living with it.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
This is soul school!.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I will be 64.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Especially a lifetime of it.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
(And it was in our own minds.)
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
She found it foreign!.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Would this be the day?
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
He knew the spot.
I never cut or harmed myself..
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
He resisted the act ,that day.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
My family never makes their pension either.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
She loved him until the end.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
What did i know ?
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Where the ultimate outsiders.
And i lived it daily.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Why did i forgive my father ?
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Who then, do I blame.?
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
She was in good health!
When she asked me how she looked .
Comes on , in middle age.
Ive learnt so much.
All the time i was locked up.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
We were not on the streets..
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I think the readers, may guess!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I said to her
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I was scared of men, in general
As i do to all so called friends.?
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.